


Thank You

by Tes_aes



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13597203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tes_aes/pseuds/Tes_aes
Summary: “Katsuki Yuuri has placed last,” He didn’t even go to the kiss and cry.





	Thank You

Blades slide across ice. Sprinkles of the shredded ice fly up as Yuri skids to a halt. His ribs hurt. He can barely breathe but he needs to keep going. _Work harder_ , he tells himself, _you’ll never get to where you want to be if you don’t work harder._ He needs to catch up to everyone else. Live up to Japan’s expectations. There are so many other Japanese skaters better than him. He’ll never get to the finals.

He’s 13 and watching videos of Viktor Nikiforov, his mum is dotting and kind, supporting him. His father is pushing him to focus on school work and not waste so much time on a silly hobby. Yuuri wants to yell back but instead he obeys. He stays up later, gets up earlier, so he can study and train and do all his chores. His body aches.

He’s 16 and crying every day. He never thought the thing that gave him so much joy would also be what hurt him so much. He can’t stand his reflection. That little pouch on his stomach, his broad shoulders or curved hips. He found it vile. As vile as the vomit coming up his throat and splashing the shower floor. He knows he’s sick but all he can think of is how unkind puberty is and how he needs to look like the European skaters with their thin limbs and graceful moves.

He’s 18 and stumbling at the Japan nationals. The other Asian skaters are sneering at him. They don’t even see him as competition, just a show to laugh at. Yuuri is numb. _Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry._ But the tears are already flowing as he finishes and looks at the judges. They just stare back, no one’s moving. Another year lost, he thinks he should just quit now and go to college.

He’s 20 and wants to be free from the ache in his chest. It settled their years ago and his family, his friends, his doctors, none of them have been able to help him lift it. Some days it’s so heavy he can’t leave bed. Or he feels like he’s going to sink through the ice at any moment. Phichit smooths back his hair and coos to him softly and holds onto Yuuri. Yuuri is trying to block out his friends words, _I’m not good, I’ll never be as good as the others._ The lines up his arms are a constant reminder.

He’s 22 and finally at the Grand Prix Final. His heart is trying to pound out of his chest. All those skipped meals, hours of training, years of crying had finally paid off. Yuuri had made it and he was ecstatic but this wasn’t wonderland and he should have known it wouldn’t have lasted long. He was falling, falling, tumbling, entering the darkest pit he possibly could.

“ _Katsuki Yuuri has placed last,”_ He didn’t even go to the kiss and cry.

 _Drink Yuuri, forget everything, just keep drinking._ He couldn’t remember that night but the ache in his chest had eased for some reason. He was able to get up the next day and eat normally. He was able to tell himself he would try harder and keep training instead of retiring. _Viktor Nikiforov wouldn’t quit after one defeat, he’s probably faced all these obstacles too._  

Yuuri is 23 and back in Japan. His mother’s eyes watch him sadly. Shes always jamming food into him now. He skates solemnly, not doing more than a few laps, no jumps or spins. He wants to get better but he doesn’t know how when his best has never been good enough. Most of his time is spent cleaning at the Inn, walking around town or curled in his bed. _I’m so sad so sad so sad._

Then it happens. Everything gets brighter again. Viktor Nikiforov has raced into his life and everything is moving so fast. He’s winning again. He’s smiling. Everything is perfect. _Thank you Viktor. Thank you._ The weight has lifted and every time it comes back Viktor is there to help, to hold him, to kiss it all away and tell him everything is fine. _Thank you Viktor._


End file.
